I love this Doctor

I recently asked several questions and here were his responses:



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you.

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

English - Chinese (You MUST read them aloud)

That's not right! - Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift! - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! - Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! - Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! - No Pah King
Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu

PASS IT ALONG. DON'T LAUGH BY YOURSELF

Never save something for a special occasion

A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package:

"This, - he said - isn't any ordinary package."

He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.

"She got this the first time we went to New York , 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on, was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is it. He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing he was taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died. He turned to me and said:

"Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion".

I still think those words changed my life.

Now I read more and clean less.

I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.

I spend more time with my family, and less at work.

I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through. I no longer keep anything. I use crystal glasses every day... I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if I feel like it .

I don't save my special perfume for special occasions ; I use it whenever I want to. The words "Someday..." and "One Day..." are fading away from my dictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now. I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell. I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends. She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels. I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favorite food. It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come.

I would regret it, because I would no longer see the friends I would meet, letters... that I wanted to write

"One of these days".

I would regret and feel sad, because I didn't say to my brother and sisters, son and daughters, not times enough at least, how much

I love them.

Now, I try not to delay, postpo ne or keep anything that could bring laughter and joy into our lives.. And, on each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day..

Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.

If you got this, it's because someone cares for you and because, probably, there's someone you care about.

If you're too busy to send this out to other people and you say to yourself that you will send it "One of these days" , remember that "One day" is far away... or might never come...

No matter if yo u're superstitious or not, spend some time reading it.
It holds a useful message for the soul.

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island.. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger.

He cried out, 'God! How could you do this to me?' Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! 'How did you know I was here?'

'We saw your smoke signal,' they replied.

The Moral of This Story:

It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

P.S. You may want to consider passing this on,
because you never know who feels as if their hut is on fire today.

Lessons in Life By Regina Brett

For over 7 years, Regina Brett was a columnist at The Beacon Journal in Akron , Ohio During that time, she was diagnosed and successfully treated for breast cancer. Regina is now a columnist for The Plain Dealer in Cleveland , Ohio Her column runs on Sunday, Wednesday and Friday.'

Lessons in Life By Regina Brett

'To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update: '

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone, everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will chang e.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy i s a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God...

Unforgettable Signs - YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!

Anesthesiologist business card:
When you care enough to sleep with the very best.
**************************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit please back in.'
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************

At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************

On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming'
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************

At the Electric Company
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago
Radiator Shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak'

http://www.FortuneEbay.com

Wisdom from Mother

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY!
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"